Let There Be Sues: A New Dark Lord
by The Atomic Cafe
Summary: Sick of Mary Sue parodies? Well, this one has a twist. Harry's sixth year, OOTP spoilers, and the worst Sue ever: Voldemort's daughter, who has an evil plan. COMPLETE.
1. Mariasha

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognize. All but a few random characters that I made up belong to Ms. Rowling.  
  
Author's Notes: I would like to thank everyone at Fictionalley.org for helping me make the worst Mary Sue ever. Thanks to Saucy Pirate! (  
  
Another thing: This story contains Order of the Phoenix spoilers to the dozens. And, our main goal is to make fun of all the Green Flame Torch fics. This is clichéd and quite frightening. Run if you need, and keep a bucket nearby. And some tissues as you may cry from laughter.  
  
And now, to our regularly scheduled program.**  
  
Harry gazed over the street of Privet Drive. It was the middle of night, and he could not sleep. Memories of the past two years managed to flick their way into his dreams, waking him with a cold sweat.  
  
The street was empty and the weather had not changed. The heat still bothered the residents, and they gave up with opening their windows for a breeze. Harry personally liked the hot air now as he felt cold inside- a cold that no heat could fix.  
  
After the warning given to his Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and cousin Dudley, Harry was free to come and go through the house as he pleased. Uncle Vernon tended to turn deep purple when Harry didn't do what he said or tracked the house with mud, and Aunt Petunia would rest a hand on his beefy arm and give him a warning look.  
  
Harry's eyes stared to droop. He couldn't stay up any longer. He would have to wait until morning to see if Hedwig had gotten any answer to his letter....  
  
When he woke the next morning, several figures were crowded in his small room. He blinked a few times and tried to get up, but still felt too tired. In another minute, he was on his feet, wand out, and blinking at their faces.  
  
"Stay back!" he yelled, still blinded. There was a light chuckle mixed with one that Harry thought sounded like Fluer's when he had known the part veela, and an angry grumble.  
  
A hand shuffled past his face and put the large black glasses back onto his face. He could see clearly now and realized the standing near him were Remus Lupin, 'Mad-Eye' Moody, Tonks (who preferred not to be called by her first name, Nymphadora), and another woman.  
  
Like last time, Remus had taken the spot closest to Harry. He look the same as Harry remembered him though seemed to have aged slightly, but wasn't grinning as truly as last time. Tonks was next to him and kept her hair spiky and pink. She wore jeans and a pink shirt that lightened her hair tone slightly. Mad-Eye wore a traveling clock again and had a bowler hat in one hand. He looked pleased, and Harry realized, with a happy pang, that he must have scared the Dursleys.  
  
The last woman was very tall, over six feet. Her build was rather thin, yet muscular. She wore a tube top to show off perfect abs. Hip- huggers from an American designer company hung off her shapely hips. A curtain of raven curls fell around her oval face to her small hips. Blue, purple, and red highlights in it stood out to Harry the most. Her pale face shown with a light and her blood-red lips let Harry glimpse fangs hanging over them slightly. Her eyes were wide, innocent, and doe-like. They were a gold-flecked green, but as Harry stared, they turned to a deep gold.  
  
Remus saw Harry glance at the woman and sighed; he did not seem to like this woman as Harry was already.  
  
"And that's-"  
  
"My name is Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black." Remus looked slightly angry at her interruption and continued.  
  
"She's going to be y-"Mariasha cut him off again.  
  
"I will be your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Harry." She smiled and Harry felt his heart melt into a puddle.  
  
"Yes," Remus said bitterly, glaring sideways at her. Harry noticed that Remus actually seemed mad for once, but ignored him.  
  
"Come, Harry dear," Mariasha whispered seductively. "We're going to take you to Headquarters. You may spend the rest of your summer there."

After they rode the Knight Bus to Grimmauld Place (it was free as Mariasha was so beautiful that no one could object), Mariasha levitated Harry's trunk and broom without a wand. Harry stared in amazment and felt his heart pump faster in his ears. She looked lovely to him at that point. Then, panic came to him. What if I'm actually in love with her? How old is she? Is she single?  
  
Remus saw Harry staring at her again and was tempted to roll his eyes, but concentrated on unlocking the door now. He held open the door for Tonks and Moody, then Harry, then tried to shut it on Mariasha, but she glared at him and made her way in, crushing before him.  
  
Harry had the feeling that they did not like each other, but ignored it again.  
  
The next few days were spent with Mariasha. She taught Harry Occlumency as Snape refused to do so.  
  
"At the age of three, as I was leaning French - my ninth language learnt –"she looked proud of herself, "- I found out that I was a skilled Legimens. Dumbledore took me into Hogwarts."  
  
"I thought you couldn't get in until you're eleven," Harry asked, dazed by her beauty. She had changed into a slinky red dress and her hair was in a bun, a few curls tumbling down. She still admitted a light glow.  
  
"Well, my parents died when I was young. Actually, my mother did. My father is evil, you see. Yet I still love him so."  
  
"Really. Is he a Death Eater?"  
  
"No." She hesitated and plunged on. "He's Voldemort."  
  
"You're so brave," Harry whispered, still staring at her in awe.  
  
She grinned. "Thank you very much." Then, she clasped a hand to her chest and opened her mouth, letting out an, "Oh!" She grabbed from thin air a letter. "I never got to give you this. Dumbledore trusted me with it."  
  
Harry took the letter but threw it carelessly to the side.  
  
"How old are you?" he asked, still amazed by her.  
  
"I'm fifteen years old." Harry looked confused.  
  
"But – but-"  
  
"I graduated Hogwarts when I was eleven, then traveled the world, getting experience in Defense Against the Dark Arts. After a year, the Ministry of Magic saw how brilliant I was and I became the youngest auror at the age of twelve."  
  
"Then..." Harry trailed off and leaned in to kiss her. She pushed herself away, eyes wide and doe-like.  
  
"Harry, I'm married." His jaw dropped open and he spluttered. "Well, I have an arranged marriage to Sir Polar Mike Law Ju Van Quinny Luke de Calor Muan Yin-van de Harrisburg of Fingorlion Atenture de Rolamee Qua." Harry sighed and bowed his head, about to cry.  
  
"Why?" he asked miserably.  
  
"I'm part vampric, you see. As I am faerie, angel, mermaid, centaur, pixie, Elf, phoenix, and veela. I'm Queen of Vampires and your god-father's sister, so I have to have an arranged marriage." Harry was dazed.  
  
"But then, I'm not married yet." She and Harry leaned in. Eyes closed, Harry felt his lips make contact....Harry spent most of the summer with his new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Once, as he was in his room doodling pictures of her, he heard a knock at the door.  
  
"Sweetie?" he called to the door, thinking it was Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black.  
  
Lupin walked into the room, looking slightly disgusted. "What did you call me?"  
  
"I-I thought you were Mariasha Zalike Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black. So-sorry." He blushed.  
  
Lupin pulled a face. "Harry, I really suggest you don't obsess over her too mu-"  
  
"WHAT DO YOU FRIKKIN' KNOW?! NOTHING! THAT'S WHAT!" Harry stormed, getting up and shoving himself past Lupin roughly.  
  
Lupin sighed, turned on his heel, and walked outside.A nice little walk in the park never hurt anyone, Remus Lupin decided. He needed to clear his mind and figure out if Harry was mad because Sirius had d- Don't think about that, he scolded himself - or maybe the fact that Mariasha de la Whatever was starting to take a toll on him.  
  
He was very surprised to see one of his past students sitting glumly on a bench.  
  
"Neville? What are you doing here?"  
  
Neville looked round and saw Lupin. "Professor Lupin!" He stared for a moment. "I – I was just walking here. Why are you here?"  
  
"Long story." He took a seat next to him.Marisha broke away from Harry again, turning so that Harry could not see the smirk that controlled her lips. First, it was daddy, now a new Dark Lord shall rise: Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black. All I need to do is get rid of the runt.  
  
**You may think that this will be like every other Mary Sue parody, but trust me: this one has a twist.  
  
Mantuar**


	2. I Have A Surprise For You

Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognize. All but a few random characters that I made up belong to Ms. Rowling.  
  
Author's Notes: I would like to thank everyone at for helping me make the worst Mary Sue ever. Thanks to Saucy Pirate!  
  
Another thing: This story contains Order of the Phoenix spoilers to the dozens. And, our main goal is to make fun of all the Green Flame Torch fics. This is clichéd and quite frightening. Run if you need, and keep a bucket nearby. And some tissues as you may cry from laughter.  
  
And now, to our regularly scheduled program.  
  
Sorry for not writing. School is starting, and I just moved, and I'm out of it.  
  
Again, Harry pulled away from Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black, eyes closed. She stood up rather quickly and put a hand behind her back. "I have something for you," she cooed. Harry grinned broadly and tilted his head to the side. "What is it, sweetie?"  
"This." Her hand quickly pulled out and a metal object met with Harry's throat. Her free hand seized his head and tilted it forward. Harry recognized the object as a dagger, and tried to see it. He caught a glimpse of a ruby-encrusted hilt and ice blade.  
"My father gave it to me as a child," she hissed in a dangerous voice, eyes flaming to a deep red. "Useful man, he is." Her minty breath steamed up his glasses and he watched as her hair shortened into flared red with orange tips. "Now, Potter. I need you to do something for me." He froze. What would he do? She was beautiful and kind to him, and he was deeply and passionately in love with her, but what would she ask?  
"My father wanted to murder you. He did. Yes, oh yes you did. He wanted to so mu-"  
"Can you get on with it?" Harry gasped. She cleared her throat.  
"He married the mother of one of his Death Eaters. Sadly, the Death Eater was a wimpy. I was born shortly after.  
"You thwarted Lord Voldie -"  
"Voldie? What kinda name is that?"  
"My papa said I could call him that," she sulked before regaining her composure. "You thwarted him too many times. So, I was stuck in Hollywood with Elves and vampires for years while he had no body. You have no clue how hard it was to hug him." She sniffled slightly. "And now, I shall complete the task for him."  
Harry poked her softly. She glared coldly. "Are you Crouch?" he asked, remembering an almost same speech from the fake Moody.  
"No. Get off." She smacked him. AS the dagger was pressed into his throat, Harry let out a scream before she casted a wandless silencing charm on him. Fortunatly, Hermione and Ron ran downstairs to his rescue.  
"Darn," she muttered, as saying a ruder version of the word would taint her personality. "What's going on?" Ron yawned. "Oh. Don't worry, Harry. She wouldn't kill you. She's too perfect." He planted a kiss on her before leaving with Hermione. He was dying. Harry could feel the sharp blade pierce deeper into his skin, almost breaking it. Memories of Dudley farting on a small bike drifted to mind. Great. He was going to die thinking of Dudley passing gas. Then-  
"Stupefy!" came a shout from a man in the doorway. He stepped forward into the light and Harry was finally glad to see Lupin.  
He just now took in Lupin's appearance, as though he had not noticed him all summer. He looked quite angry at the moment, his graying hair covering his brown eyes. He looked taller, which could only make him look thinner.  
Harry turned to Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black, who looked like a broken swan now. Her eyes fluttered shut in a graceful manner. Blood red lips were slightly open to breath, and pearly white teeth shone under them. Her hair became raven again, and Harry saw the red, blue, and purple highlights shimmering like a river of color. Her body was twisted at the hips, arms bent to the side. He silently ran a hand down her pale neck.  
Lupin walked up and stared down at her. Without a word, he pulled out a clear bottle and tipped it down her throat. Then, he pointed his wand at her, and quietly whispered a word Harry couldn't make out. Dumbledore walked in as she opened her eyes, blinking like a newborn deer. "Who are you?" Lupin asked. Harry then realized that the bottle contained a Truth Potion. He guessed Snape brewed it earlier.  
"Jill Miller." Dumbledore helped Harry up and sat him down. "Is your father Voldemort?"  
"No."  
"Who is?"  
"William Miller."  
"Why are you here?"  
"I wanted to take over the world."  
Lupin smiled slightly at this statement. "Is your natural hair color black?"  
"Blonde," she responded.  
"Are you even a witch?"  
"No." Lupin looked up at Dumbledore and raised an eyebrow. Dumbledore nodded. "You may have the pleasure, Headmaster," Lupin said curtly. Dumbledore lifted Jill Miller and tossed her into the blazing fire.  
"Third one this month, Harry," Lupin sighed, sitting down. Harry, meanwhile, was staring at the melting form of Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black. "Why did you do that?" he managed to gasp. Dumbledore started.  
"It all started when Sirius died."  
Both Lupin and Harry flinched.  
"Crazed women from the Muggle world were depressed," Lupin continued. "They wanted to find a way to bring him back."  
"So, they created siblings for him," Dumbledore said.  
"They were usually 'keys' to bringing him back," Lupin added. "They were stunning, had long names, and were evil."  
"We call them Mary Sues," Dumbledore finished. "They provide rather pleasant bonfires if you collect enough. Just add gas."  
Harry's brain drifted back to Dudley passing gas.  
  
That was awkward. I planned for Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black to kill Harry, but I guess Lupin's too cool to let that happen. I hope your laughed at least once, and please, feel free to drop a little review.  
  
Please do not flame. This was done out of my pleasure and brain. If you don't like it, click back, don't drag me down. Flames are pointless. Keep them to yourself. 


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